Attention to Detail

Crack Challenge

2006-01-01T07:19:04Z

It's 12:02 am and we just hit 2006 here in Colorado. Some lovely person just set off fireworks outside.

My time here is almost over and I'm headin' back to the RIM in a few days. Spent 2 weeks at home with mama and 2 of the sisters. Had an ok time. I haven't experienced family dynamic in 2+ years so getting back around that can be stressful. I went to see the doctor today because I'd had a headache for six days. He suspects it may be a tension headache so I'm taking meds to relax my muscles and bring my blood pressure down. Drugs are my friend...
I think I've lost one of my good friends. She's getting divorced, her husband had temp custody of the kids and she's hanging out with a drug addict and has smoked crack. I think this may be a part of why I'm a bit tense right now. I didn't see her while I was home and lately she has not returned my calls. So, do I continue to support her, try to contact her or let her go? I worry, but don't know what to do. I'm sad but also so angry at her because she knows better. I don't know what to say or how to be her friend.
So I'll continue to gorge myself on TLC Ballroom Bootcamp and Law and Orders. I'll miss my family, I'll miss the dog and damn!, I'll miss cable TV. I'm thinking of pushing my leave time back a day or 2, not so I can watch more TV but it's a great byproduct. Then back to Africa...

Home

2005-12-04T02:22:19Z

Back in US. I'm a bit hermity right now and not to interested in going outside. It snowed last night. I know this by looking through the windows. I haven't been outside much since I got here (one time in 3 days) so my reintroduction has been slow. And my driver's license has expired so driving around is a no no. I walked to the bank yesterday and was a bit overwhelmed by it. I actually started to shake in like while waiting to be served. I don't know why. It just seemed a bit weird but familiar. And this guy behind me hit on me. That was a surprise. He said "you have a beautiful dimple and no ring. How can someone see more of that dimple." Pretty good, huh? I talked to him a bit about how being in the bank was a bit overwhelming for me. I was quite surprised because I still have trouble seeing myself that way.

Today is mama's 68th birthday. Hard to believe she's almost 70. I feel so sorry for her not having grandchildren. She'd be such a great grandma. However, it's not happened. She's such a solid person but she does drive me insane sometimes. She still expects me to get my sister to come home for Xmas. Since I have no control over my sister and she's already said she won't be able to go home, I'm not really sure what I'm to do.

I've been watching a lot of TV and sleeping. I have missed Law and Order and the home decoration shows on TLC. I ate almost a whole bag of oreos today. I'm turning into a slug. My goals in the next few days include mailing all the stuff I brought back to RPCVs, going outside and staying hydrated.

I'm trying to get my mind around how big everything seems and seemingly pointless some things are. My sister has a omelet maker (not sure WHAT that is) and dental breath tabs for the dog. Mind boggling...or, I. Am. A. Freak.

Quote of the day: Is she straight, is she gay, or just greedy?

I'm Coming Mama!

2005-11-28T17:13:34Z

I am in a particularly good mood because I'm heading home tomorrow. Was going to try to get to bed later for the past few days, but it's not working. I end up going to bed late and getting up at my regular time. So, I'm a bit tired. Maybe that will work to my advantage on the flight and I'll sleep through most of it. I've had a quiet, if boring at times, week between my trip to Europe and my flight home. I was trying to squeeze in a trip to Mali before I left, but it didn't work out. Now, I've got plans to go to Mali, Benin and Ghana next year (maybe Togo too) sometime and a separate trip to The Gambia and Guinea in Feb. with some people. If I can do all of it, it'll be a fun and interesting time. So, I'm encouraged.

I'm uploading pictures today, having already done the required laundry. So, my chores are done. I'm excited to get to the States and see the family and I am not excited to get to the States and see the family because of the stress that comes with family and drama. I feel like I've come more into myself, into my own life these past 2+ years and am more happy. Now, I'll have to fit in my family dynamics and find balance. I realize that family is important to me, but I was letting it steer my course and allowing myself to wallow in others' problems. Yes, I'll always be the daughter/sister/cousin. That connection gives me confidence and peace, but my desires must now take a front seat. It'll be interesting to see how/if that reshuffles my role/place in the family.

So, I say goodbye to 2 years in Mauritania and the end of my 2-year service and the beginning of a 3rd and final year here. There's group of volunteers getting together over New Years in the States. It's odd that they've moved on and I'm still here. I'd love to try to make it, but time and money won't allow it. I do look forward to seeing, talking to, tracking people, as they progress in life. I've had moments of saddness over the past few days that my first two-year experience is over. That the people that I came to country with are all but gone. It sucks being left behind.

I think I'll come back energized, ready to 'get on with it' and get out in 2006. I hope that this time next year I can say I had a fulfilling and adventurous year, got to see more of Africa, that my friends in the States are thriving and that I have a few more good friends from Mauritania to add to a growing grab bag...

on the road again

2005-11-17T20:29:58Z

Am on day 9 of my Europe/London vacation and am having a great time. I am, however, freezing. I don't think I'll try to take my next extended trip to Paris unless the temps are nice. I can enjoy myself, but we have to retreat to the hotel room for me to get warmed up. My friend, god bless her, brought two fleece sweaters for me. They have absolutely come in handy.

I'm just getting to London and have a week here. So we've been through Paris and Bruges. I'm amazed by how unforeign it all feels. Or rather, less foreign. I remember that before my first trip to Paris I felt like I was going to throw up I was so nervous. This time, the flight made me nervous because I was traveling by myself. I thought language would be a problem but apparently, I can speak and understand basic French. And English is becoming the international language. No one has been more surprised by my improvement in French than me. Since Lynnette has no French it was on me to be the main communicator. I did get confused at times when people combined English with their French words, but Lynnette was able to understand and between the two of us we could figure it out.

I'm so amazed at how at ease I am now traveling. The metro and underground systems even made sense to me without having to try too hard to understand them. This is cool stuff. I even had a 20 minute conversation 10% English 90% French with a women at an adjacent table in a Bistro. Her name was Carmin and she was gracious, friendly and got to use some English words she hadn't used in a while.

We went to the landing beaches of Normandy and the American cemetery on a day trip. It was long day, but I couldn't imagine any other way I could have had a better day. It was an astounding trip and to see these historic places was amazing. It was a bit overwhelming but beautiful.

In Bruges, we stayed in a B & B that was awesome. The women who hosted us was great and helped us find local places to eat and rub elbows with the locals. We didn't do much but buy chocolate (an illegal amount) and walk around. It was a good middle to the Paris/London sandwich.

maenkc @ 2005-10-28T09:39:00

2005-10-28T10:41:39Z

Today is the start of the weekend and my hair session. I'm taking the weekend to redo my braids (why did I cut my dreds!) so I'll spend a lot of time at chez moi. I've got the DVD player but unfortunately, no new DVDs. Maybe I'll just watch Coupling again and Snatch (for the 10th time). I could try to go to get fresh videos but I feel I'm being a nuisance.

I'm glad I don't have any meetings this weekend so I can get stuff done around the house, do my hair (unless I get distracted) and try to continue to improve my knowledge of databases. I not sure trying to figure it out on my own is the best way to go, but I'm hands on and like learning stuff through trail and error. There’s a Halloween party that I’m skipping this weekend. I’d like to go if only to visit the region -- it’s one of the few that I haven’t gone to and I hear it’s beautiful. The party should be interesting, as all the parties here are, but taxi brousse has kicked my ass and I am worn out with travel in this country. Granted I was willing to attempt a quick trip down south with Will, but that was a different adventure with a different goal…kinda (well, maybe not). I'm bummed that trip didn't work out as I’m sure it would have been ridiculously fun.

My vacation starts in a few weeks and I'm getting myself organized. Going to Paris, Brussels, Bruges and London with a friend from the states, Lynnette. It's cool that she's making all the arrangements and all I have to do is let her know my preferences. We travel well together because we each do our thing: she's the planner organizer, I'm the one who sits back and takes advantage of the planning and organizing. Perfect match.

I sometimes wish I were going with someone I were having a relationship with, but because I have so many fears, especially of being rejected, and refuse to open my mouth when I'm attracted to someone, having a relationship or even a fling can be a bit difficult. There are so many unknowns to me so in my fear I imagine worse case scenario and end up frightening myself. I used to be ok with my silence, but it's getting to me. I think because lately I've been discussing relationships and feelings and being honest with myself about what I think, I'm realizing just how sad and pathetic I think my own romantic life is. And how lonely I am. I listen to the advice and opinions I give and see how silly it is that those things are not reflected in my own life. I'm starting to understand better the desire to use stimulants to let down one’s hair.

To end: sometimes you don't realize something until it's way late in the game. At that point there's nothing you can do and you're fucked!! I hate when that happens. (This will be all I say about that. Details will go in my journal so I don't publicly embarrass myself...)

Not lately

2005-10-23T21:21:35Z

I don't know what's up. It was my intent to come here, check email then go home. But, wait. Correction needed. I. have. no. home. Or rather, I have no functioning home. I recognize my need to nest, to have a place of my own where I can shut out the world. I don't feel I have that yet. Good heavens, I want to bang my head against a wall and shout "fuck!" until I'm sweaty, out of breath and voiceless. Or hug someone. I feel like such a big baby. This rage comes from where?

I've had the thought of "why did I decide to stay here" every day the past few days. That's not like me. I can usually bounce back from frustration or find my happy place easily. But, not lately.

So, I've decided to make myself sit here until I can find something that has amazed, interested, astonished me recently. It's 9:08 pm...Ok, it's 9:13 and I've got something. Walking here tonight I passed flowers growing over a fence. They made me smiley happy and opened my heart a little. Good enough.

Signing Up, first entry and stuff

2005-10-12T15:56:31Z

So, I'm making an entry, my first today. Don't know why, I have other things to do, but I figure I'll give it a shot. I'm not really motivated to document my life/time in Mauritania with words -- I have pictures up on the Internet that speak to me profoundly. I suppose I can't express myself very well with words and am more of a visual person. But, here goes...

Ummmm, let's see. Where to start. I'm having a very frustrating day. I'm trying to stay positive and on track when my urge is to go take a shower and curl up into a fetal ball for a few hours or find someone to hug me. Hard. I want to just let the day end and try to start again tomorrow. But there are things I must take care of, like getting electricity and water at my place. And getting the water heater fixed. I've had a week honey-moon and now the problems with my apt. are beginning. I don't want it to get in the way of my work here. I feel like I have balls in the air and I don't know where to start. It's a bit overwhelming. And, I've been using french all day, which is exhausting and challenging in it's own special way. (example: In giving directions to a taxi driver I called a building a bateau, which means BOAT! I was looking for batiment in my brain, but found the wrong word. I HATE when I do that. Dammit!!)

Also, my bra straps keep falling down, which usually means I'm losing more boobage. That's always bad times. (Don't know why I mention this. It's on my mind.)

Moving on...I'm often surprised, fascinated, interested in what makes people tick. Such moments, when a person reveals a detail of their personality, is like a snapshot in time. I've had a lot of those moments over the past few weeks. One such moment: Watching a romantic comedy with a friend and I look over and he's curled up on the couch, covering his eyes and cringing, like it's a horror film. (We had earlier watched a film with graphic, non-stop violence. All of this he digested without so much as a flinch.) So, I look over and ask him what's up. He says "It's just so awkward!" with anguish in his voice then he kinda groans. "What the hell?!" I think to myself. I, in my misguided wisdom and in order to make him a more well rounded emotional being, pull his hands from his face and tell him to watch it! (For the record, I did NOT add the word Bitch, which is what popped into my head.) I told him that he had just watched guys get shot and body parts blown and cut off for 2 hours with no visible signs of stress. I thought surely he should be able to stomach Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey (2 highly attractive people) bounce off each other in cute and bubbly dialog, knowing the ending would be happy. Surely?!

I think I underestimated how fragile guys can be when dealing with deep emotion or wrestling with personal demons played out on the screen. Yes, I know it's scary for us all, but to see this poor bastard, my dear, dear friend, floored by the simulation of romance and love...Ahhhhhh, but we all have moments like this. Don't we? When it's just too much. I'm that way when the Oompah-Loompahs come on in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I have yet to sit through that entire movie. They terrify me in a way that I can't explain or gather the strength to confront head on. It takes me to a dark, primal place and I don't want to go there.